Don’t Give Up

I used to think that everyone elses life was different and more better than mine.  Then I found out that a family member of mine drinks.  Yes, this was a turning point for me.  A reality check I suppose.  I never thought that she would go down that path but, when she revealed that to me, I was kinda shocked.  Slowly, but surely, I have been listening to the stories of countles other people whom I thought their lives were peachy-keen.  Same shit all the way around.  “I wouldn’t have married him had I known what I know now…he’s an alcoholic,” says one.  “My husband is disabled so I work two jobs, ” says another.  And on and on it goes.  I start to wonder at what point did I drift off into la-la land in my life?  Why the heck is this so shocking to me?  I’ve always known that other people have issues too, so what the fuck?

The human spirit has a tendency to not give up, no matter what the circumstances are.  When the human mind says, “Oh your not good enough, ” the human spirit answers, “Oh yes you are!  Keep going!”  But a reality check sometimes is in order.  Not everything is as glamorours or as escapist as we would like it to be.  How do we as humans cope?  We try to get away from it or we go through it with the strength of our human spirit on our side.  My spirit is constantly telling  me to get the fuck up and try again, every single day.  It doesn’t tell me that its going to be easy, no, that’s what the imagination is for.  It does tell me that I am more than capable to at least get the fuck up and try again.  So I listen and get up and try again.

I become frustrated many, many times.  Standing up isn’t easy to do either, yet I am thankful that I can even stand at today’s date.  For nearly seven years I could not use my legs as effortlessly as I used to in my younger years.  A few years ago, I found out that I was walking on a collapsed hip.  It depressed me something awful.  The idea that I could not walk again brought me down to a level I had not been in before.  I struggled to get out of those depths.  I researched depression and did what I could about health and exercise and such, but there was only so much that I could do on a collapsed hip (which is extremely painful by the way and I don’t wish that on my worse enemy if I’ve got one).  I tried mindulness techniques, taking my supplements, and going out for the shortest walks I’ve ever experienced.  Eventually, I received a hip replacement.  My spirit won yet again with its motivational short speech.

Now, it speaks to me again.  It continually is reminding me not to give up.  “Don’t give up!” it says, over and over again.  You see folks, I’m facing another small dilemna, one I’ve faced before.  This time my spirit says, “Don’t give up! Find a way!  You can do this!”  My dilemna?  Finances.  My husband and I recently moved to Texas from North Carolina.  It was my husband’s idea and I went along with it.  I quit my job on the belief that here would be much better, and easier, to find work.  Once again, it didn’t turn out that way.  Now, I’m just tired of all of this bullshit.  I worked hard in NC to get work and get back into being a good steward of my finances.  We get here and find that we are struggling again!  It is very difficult to find the motivation to get up and keep going.  I was so angry with my husband and daily I try to find the motivation to do something different in this situation.  I’m at the point now that I’m not angry nor am I thinking of getting even.  I’m on survival mode now and needing to work pronto!

Currently, we don’t have a vehicle…….yet.  The bus routes are only to town and not so far out west and walking is the only thing I can possibly do at this moment.  Is it irony? I don’t think so.  I really do miss my work and the people I worked with.  I can’t spend too much time reminiscing because my spirt won’t allow it.  “Wake up and smell the coffee even if you have to make yourself a cup!” it says.  It is frustrating some days, yet I still get the fuck up and I don’t give up.  My life is not yet over and I cannot spend it on remembrances, regrets or anger.  I just have to continue to be me…determined, loving, honest, motivated (the list is pretty extensive so I’ll just stop right there for now).  I look for work via the Internet and think about ways on how to get to the interviews should there be any.  I can only hope at this moment that there will be several interviews all in one shot but I also have to be realistic and continue to apply.

I often think that I am missing something.  I’ve thought about creative ways to do this job search and getting to where I need to go.  I have hope, motivation, spirit, determination and Internet connection (thankfully). Not everything can be done on the internet though and I miss having the social connections needed to keep pressing on and looking at other areas that are in walkable distance.  I’m clearly trying to figure this out, folks.  I’ve looked in most job banks here, like LinkedIn, Glassdoor, Indeed, etc. and have applied on those as well and found that they basically have a repeat of what the other job banks have.  There’s only so much that one can do to revamp a resume without having to embellish on experience or decorations on the paper.  I’ve listed most of the transferrable skills that I possess and those I’ve gleaned throughout my years of employment.  Hence, the title of this article, “Don’t Give Up.”

It is definitely tempting, and easy., to do so, just give up.  My mind would like me to believe that I am stuck, but my spirit says that there is so much opportunity to be had.  I am going to make a breakthrough, I just have to take it easy on myself sometimes, as I tend to overdo it a little.  Stress management techniques, like taking walks, are helpful at times.  I also peruse positive and motivational quotes continuously, which are also helpful at times.  Sometimes I just cry and cry and cry, then I get up again and keep going.  I just don’t give up.

 

After a deep sleep

So now I slowly awaken.

So many things have occurred after the holidays.  Even my gratitude journal lay dormant for a few months while changes occurred, as if a whirlwind entered my space.  Much upheaval, many thoughts to cope with, to sort out, and always, always fighting the demons of depression and physical pain.

Then there’s realization.  The realization that hope still lives in me.  The realization that I can get through this.  The realization that I am stronger than what I believe I am.  Just beginning to settle down in an old, new place, I find that I sometimes become overwhelmed.  Then I laugh at myself and tell myself, remind myself actually, that I’ve been here before, that all I need to do is tackle things at an organized pace.  I finally pull out my gratitude journal and begin to write again.  I come here and begin to write.  I cannot forget my purpose.  I have a story to tell, even if it is in bits and pieces.  I am shy in person, but I do not feel the need to be shy here.  I can speak to you as if I know you and you are getting to know me.

I am protected by anonymity yet I am known.  My words speak of years that have passed by and times that are coming and moments that are presently current.  I simply cannot forget my purpose.  I still have goals to achieve and a long journey ahead, yet I still have time to gaze at the blooming trees and the way they seem to be ablaze in the morning sun.  God is good, I tell myself.  I am thankful for the ability to see such beauty and to contemplate it.  No negative thought can take away what is before me, the sprawling carpet of farm, the trees enclosing it, marking its territory.  A reminder of when life gets too busy yet the beauty remains.  Even when life seems dormant, it is still beautiful.  When it awakens, it shows off its splendor for the world to see.

I, too, am a part of nature.  Like nature, I slowly awaken.  I shift my gaze and look upon that which is praiseworthy and excellent, real and untouched.  I see how everything changes, slowly, ever so slowly, nature adapts to its seasons.  It follows the flow with accurate precision and I follow it.  We both meet the sun and point our faces toward it but we don’t miss our pace while we grow.

This is what happens after a deep sleep.

Gratitude journals

I don’t know how everyone else might feel about having to write down everyday, morning and night, into a gratitude journal.  A gratitude journal is similar to that of keeping a diary.  However, in this particular journal, one is to list or talk about all of the things that one is grateful or thankful for each and every day.

I remember the days when I used to keep a diary.  In fact, I still have one-subject notebooks teeming with random notes, quotes, ups and downs, that occur to me every so often.  It’s hard to keep up these diaries.  With a gratitude journal I find that it is also a little hard to keep up with.  I try to find things to be grateful for on an everyday basis:  the birds singing in the morning, the ability to see the sun rising, the ability to hear the mighty ocean waves roar and crash into the edge of the beach, learning photography (a daily challenge), learning new crafts (I just finished my first wood chip carving…yahhhh!), being filled with gratitude toward family and friends who have been there for me when I really thought no one would be, etc.

While there are soooo many things to be grateful for, it still is a challenge to remember to write them in a journal every morning and every night.  Those of us who are accustomed to keeping journals in general usually keep a generalized journal and input everyday feelings, thoughts, and activities that can either happen during the day or during the week.  Some of us lead extremely busy lives, whether it be working outside of the home or as a stay at home parent.  Still some just reach out for the bedside journal when negative thoughts and feelings arise and we feel that we have no one to talk to, so we spill all of our innards into this journal.  So then, how do I manage a gratitude journal?

According to www.oxforddictionaries.com, the definition for gratitude is “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness”.  Therefore the focus of keeping a daily gratitude journal is to be more in tune with the positive aspects of life, of thought, of feelings, of people, of circumstances, of faith, and of everything in general.  To be able to open up this journal daily and re-read previous entries should provide a feeling of accomplishment, of the fact that we, as human beings, living in this world filled with peril, can actually still see it as a beautiful place.  That other human beings, not so well known in the media and social circles, are actually kind, gentle creatures.  To see that one can also be as kind and appreciative in almost any situation, no matter how bleak it may be.

I guess that it is well worth my time and energy to write daily entries into my gratitude journal.  No one else has to see it.  No one else has to know about it.  It’s between me, myself, and I.  Managing it shouldn’t be difficult and being grateful shouldn’t be difficult either.  Stopping for a moment to help another, to pay it forward, to say thank you, to wash a dish…those are the little moments of gratitude that can be immortalized on paper.  Those stacks of notebooks can contain immense volumes of gratitude that no other individual can steal from me.  A gratitude journal can serve as a constant reminder that, no matter where in the world I end up, there will be a whole host of individuals who have positively changed my life and a record of how I was able to pay it forward.

Of those things and more, I am grateful.